Resting Resentment

By Liliana Chai Nov. 12, 2025

Tensions hang in the bedroom like heavy curtains, muffling the calm night air. With just one wrong word, one sharp tone, a peaceful evening can transform into a sleepless battleground.

Whispered by well-intentioned elder family members and thrown into life-advice books, the sentiment, “do not go to bed angry,” is held in regard by countless romantic partners. Originating from the Bible verse, “do not let the sun go down on your anger,” the idea behind the advice is to resolve conflicts quickly through open communication before bed so that resentment does not fester overnight. People have often gravitated towards this concept because it encourages responsibility in relationships, while preventing smaller arguments from turning into bigger grudges.

Krio Moon Art

In contrast, modern advice that emerged from a shift in societal beliefs places greater emphasis on individual coping strategies, emotional readiness and overall well-being, recognizing that one solution may not be suitable for all circumstances. Samantha Whiten, a clinical psychologist in Maryland, asserts that discussing problems right before bed may be counterproductive to a relationship. When both partners are exhausted and emotionally drained after a long day, they are more likely to impulsively say or do things that they will regret the next day. This is the result of

the acronym HALT, a constantly referenced reminder in therapy advising that people should avoid confrontations when they are hungry, angry, lonely or tired. Some individuals also experience attachment panic—a fear of losing connection—which can elevate levels of stress and make it difficult to approach conflicts calmly.

“When I am upset, I usually step away from my phone or take a break from interacting with the person I had a conflict with to sort things out in my head. Once I have had enough time to think, I try to call them instead of texting because it is hard to understand tone over messages,” Junior Miku Kiyonaga said.

Krio Moon Art

In addition, couples can feel pressured to reach an agreement by an arbitrary bedtime deadline, even when the issue is not properly understood or fully resolved. This can be especially problematic for complex issues that cannot be addressed properly with surface-level discussions before bed, as they require time for personal reflection before effective conversations. Often, the partner that processes emotions more slowly is forced into agreeing on terms they are not satisfied with, creating an unfair dynamic where one person’s needs are often prioritized over the other’s.

Sometimes, a good night’s sleep is all that is needed to provide a much-needed perspective to resolve the conflict. In a study conducted by Siegel & Rogawski in 1988, the brain’s salience system detects and prioritizes potential threats in high-conflict situations. This system triggers the instinctive reactions of fight, flight or freeze, making it harder to take in information and regulate emotional responses under high tension. Sleep can be a powerful tool for problem-solving and emotional regulation, as it processes emotional experiences during the day.

Instead, clinical psychologist Sabrina Romanoff encourages couples to acknowledge that an issue exists, and agree upon a specific time to revisit it when both partners are well-rested. This approach, known as “productive pause,” allows each person to process their emotions alone and prepare to engage with their partner thoughtfully. During this pause, couples can practice affirmation over immediate resolution, where they recognize each other’s feelings, and trust that they will follow through and return to the conversation later.

Yet, there is a difference between pausing and avoiding a conflict. Taking a pause where one individually processes their emotions so that they can approach the situation with clarity, Whiten explains, demonstrates emotional maturity by temporarily setting anxiety aside. However, avoidance, the reverse of taking space, is harmful because it allows unresolved tensions to fester.

“It is extremely important to communicate with the other person that you need some time to cool off so they do not feel like they are being shut out. If not communicated properly, it can be seen as an excuse,” Senior Nishka Gurnani said.

Whether in friendships, family dynamics or romantic relationships, the principle of pausing rather than rushing to resolve conflict can transform how people interact with others around them. Taking time to reflect and regulate emotions encourages empathy, patience and clear communication—skills that are just as important in everyday interactions as they are in relationships.

---

About the contributors

Liliana Chai

investigative report & science and tech editor

Liliana Chai is a junior at Leland High School and the page editor for Investigative Report and Science and Tech. This is her third year in journalism. She likes to listen to music, hang out with friends, sleep, and binge watch shows during her free time.

Krio Moon

artist

Krio Moon is a junior at Leland and an artist for The Charger Account. Outside of school, she likes to play tennis, watch superhero movies, and read books.